April 9, 2009

Dear Phillip,

Last month a report from Pew Center on the States came out with statistics on the prison population across our nation. I was shocked to learn that 1 in 26 adults in Indiana are under correctional control, ranking Indiana 9th in our nation. For many reasons, those statistics weighed heavily on me this past month. This week marks the 6th year since our first meeting. It was an angry, trapped 29 year old who beat up a guard and escaped from the county jail 6 years ago to break into my home. I think you were probably as surprised as I was with the encounter. What I remember from those 30 minutes together taught me much about God and the world we live in. I wanted to mark this anniversary of our meeting by sharing with you some of what I’ve learned.

About God: In my life I’ve had doubts about God. I’ve found it difficult to understand the evil, pain and suffering in a world created by a loving God. Feeling God’s presence at times eludes me. And more often than not, I lack faith. That day in my home 6 years ago changed what I know and believe about God. I may have been face to face with an angry young man who intended harm, but I don’t remember that part of our meeting. In those moments together my eyes were opened to God’s presence in a way I never knew or will ever forget. I knew God was there with me in those moments of danger and uncertainty. God did not just show up in those moments. I experienced God’s Spirit and Presence in a way that I knew beyond any doubt that God is always with me, always surrounding me, and always available. I discovered that day the only thing that keeps me from seeing God in my world is not opening my eyes.

About the world we live in: I live in a world where 1 out of every 26 adults in Indiana is under correctional control. I spend too much time with women whose lives and families are destroyed by addictions and bad choices. This week I met a young woman who told me that before she was arrested, she attended church everyday. Since her arrest, her three young children were split up and sent to live with each of their different fathers. Her descent into addiction happened after the death of a sister by drug use. She now faces years in the prison system, away from her children and her family. I came away from our hour together heartbroken for her children and for her mother. I was more distressed over the fact that her attendance at church everyday did not change her lifestyle or prevent this catastrophe from happening. This young woman is representative of the many people I meet each week who struggle with insurmountable problems and crises; sometimes of their own choosing and sometimes not. Bad things happen in our world and at times I am filled with hopelessness and despair over how to deal with what I encounter each day.

But then I remembered my 50 year old single friend. She spends her life and career teaching high school kids with learning disabilities. She cares for and encourages these students. She prays for them and in spite of their incredible handicaps and difficult backgrounds, she nurtures hope for and in these students. Her life and her work remind me the only way to keep these students from being 1 in 26 is to be the example of stability and hope that she is on a daily basis. She is my hero.

And I remembered the young couple in our meeting with two young boys who keep foster teenagers. Their 24-7 commitment to provide a loving and stable home to these teenagers is at times a monumental task. More often than not, these teenagers mess up and make mistakes and cause disruption and chaos in their home. But they still love and they still hope. Their example and their life may one day keep some of these teenagers from being 1 in 26. They are my heroes too.

In the midst of my despair this week, I was drawn to words written by George Fox, the founder of the Society of Friends (Quakers). In his despair over the condition and evil temptations of this world, he experienced an “ocean of darkness and death, but an infinite ocean of light and love, which flowed over the ocean of darkness. And in that also I saw the infinite love of God…”

In our encounter 6 years ago and in the example of my friends, I’ve experienced this infinite ocean of God’s light and love flowing over the ocean of darkness in our world. I am discovering the power of hope once again.

Life changed greatly for both of us that day six years ago. Beyond what I’ve learned about God and our world, I’ve also learned much about our justice system and life lived in correctional facilities. I’ve learned (and continue to learn) about forgiveness, reconciliation, and restitution. I wish I was better with regular correspondence to you, but I hope you understand that it has very little to do with my feelings, the trauma or the memories from our first meeting 6 years ago.

The years have moved me from being a victim to being proactive about my life and what I do with it. I’ve discovered that thinking like a victim keeps me from having control over my life, over my thinking, and over my future. And the fact is…..I do have some control. I am not your victim anymore. I choose to be your friend, to pray for you, to encourage you to know God and to work hard to make the circumstances of our meeting and our relationship count for good in our world. I choose to not be afraid in my own home, to not be afraid of investing time and friendship into the lives of those in our local jail. I choose to envision your life being free from the past and able to live a life that is not shaped by your incarceration. The memory of our encounter keeps me engaged with the women I work with each week in the local county jail. I work to be a listening ear, encouraging worship and spiritual growth, and helping them feel like someone cares about their situation. That seems to take up much of my time and attention these days and it leaves me too little time to write.

I thank you for your most recent letter. It is always good to hear from you and know that you are doing well in prison. It was good to learn you’ve been moved from a maximum security prison to a medium security prison. With each letter you send I see less and less of the angry 29 year old young man I met six years ago. Your graduation from the “Inside/Out Dad” program is something for which you should be proud. I hope and pray the contact and the relationship with your four children changes their world for the better.

Thank you, Phillip, for your letters. I appreciate hearing from you and I pray for you…..for your happiness, for your growth, for your relationship with your children and family and especially for your peace with God.

Blessings….

Pam