by Joseph & Stephanie Thouvenel

Ten questions for conversation before getting married

You hear a constant barrage of advice about marriage when people find out you are engaged. Some couples eat it all up, making lists and sharing with each other words of wisdom and seemingly helpful anecdotes. Other couples might think most advice doesn't readily apply to them due to the fact that they have found their perfect partner, the soul mate who understands and loves everything about them. Throughout our engagement, we found much of the advice we received incredibly insightful but not readily applicable to what we were experiencing as a couple in preparation to be married. Now that we are married, we are beginning to make sense of the lists we accumulated and the books we received. But the truth is marriage takes work. It is a journey of discovery where over time, two people peel back the layers of who they are and commit to accept and cherish the other, through both joy and pain.

Wherever these questions take you, please keep in mind that they are based on our experience as a couple. They are meant to stimulate conversation and spur you on to discuss where you are going.

1. How do you hang your towels?

Some married couples will admit that a major source of tension isn't the big things, but rather a combination of little things. Which way the toilet paper rolls or how the dishes get loaded in the dishwasher may seem inconsequential, but it's the little things that can trip couples up the most. We all come into marriage with certain expectations about how things should be done. Are you prepared to admit that unplugging the blender after you use it is not really a life-or-death situation, and that maybe, just maybe, you can wipe the counter with a washcloth rather than with the hand towel?

2. If you received a $500 rebate check in the mail, would you go on vacation, go on a shopping spree, or put it in the bank?

In other words, are you a spender or a saver? Do you have an easier time making lots of small purchases, or is plunking down cash for those bigger items more your style? There is no right or wrong answer, but understanding your partner's financial philosophies can save a lot of grief in the end.

3. Can she mow the lawn while he does the dishes?

Will the way you share common household chores reflect traditional gender roles or are you willing to compromise based upon your strengths and weaknesses? Can she change the oil without him feeling like less of a man? Can he take over the kitchen without her feeling like she's failing as a wife? Who is going to balance the checkbook? These questions may seem at first to have obvious answers, but the truth is we often find our value in marriage based upon what we can offer or feel like we should offer to our spouse, even in the realm of everyday duties around the house.

4. Do you fight dirty?

How do you handle conflict? What is your natural reaction to threatening situations and miscommunications? It is important to pursue understanding in a manner that benefits both parties. For some, a simple apology can be most effective, while others may need to talk issues out before a situation is resolved. Can you manipulate and twist words to skillfully talk your partner into a confused frenzy? Or does quick-witted verbal contact make you tired and willing to admit any fault just to be done with the conversation? When you are upset do you tend to attack or withdraw from the situation? When you are hurt do you need a hug or do you need space? There is no doubt that in marriage there will be conflict. In knowing what your partner's auto response tends to be, you gain the tools to keep a small skirmish from becoming an all-out battle.

5. One car or two?

How will we measure success? What is the big-picture concept for our life together? What will be our priorities? Couples need to find common ground in the practical choices they make about lifestyle. One cell phone or two? Two incomes or one? One big vacation every 5 years or a smaller trip twice a year?

6. Will you play video games with me?

Are you willing to enter into my world to understand and have fun with me? Will you take the time to know me by participating in the silly things I enjoy? Will she watch football with him? Will he give chick flicks a chance and not make fun of them?

7. Can we be one and still be two?

How do we form a new identity as a couple while still maintaining the pieces of ourselves that truly make us unique? Marriage is a celebration of two becoming one. It is not letting go of who we are, but giving who we are as an offering to the other person. The more willing we are to embrace who God made us to be as individuals, the more able we will be as a couple to serve and glorify God. If we are not willing to embrace and act upon who God has made us to be, part of the whole is missing. The one is incomplete.

8. “Will you love me when I'm not myself?”

This question, posed by John Mayer on his first album, Room for Squares, sums up the underlying fear many people have about vulnerability and acceptance in marriage. While engaged couples may be attracted to this aspect of marriage, in marriage it can be intimidating. Trust is built through both the joys and trials of mutual self-discovery in marriage. Are you willing to accept me on the really bad days and to accept the parts of me that you have yet to discover? Are you willing to be vulnerable and open even when it's uncomfortable? It might be easy to respond to these questions with an emphatic “Yes!” But the true answers might, and probably will, lie somewhere in between.

9. Was your childhood more like The Simpsons or 7th Heaven?

What did you like and dislike about how your parents raised you? How has your relationship with your parents changed over the years? Our identity is wrapped up in our family, the good and the bad. We often find it easy to complain and criticize things in our own family, but instantly raise our defenses the moment anyone else takes a shot. It is important to continually discuss the role family played in our past, and recognize its impact on our future.

10. Does your mom still clip your toenails?

Are you ready to let go of your parents' hands and hold on to mine instead? What aspects of your life are you currently responsible for, and what are the areas others may be helping you with (school loans, insurance payments, utility bills, laundry, food, AAA roadside service, etc.)? In marriage you rely on each other to support and take care of even your most basic needs, in place of others who may have done so in the past. Are you ready to be responsible for me? Financially? Emotionally? Physically? Spiritually?