On Being a Safe Male
One day as I listened to an oldies station, I heard the song lyrics “Standing on the corner, watching all the girls go by.” It is a very familiar song to me so I was surprised to hear a line I had never noticed before: “You can't go to jail for what you're thinking….” That line jolted me out of my pleasant musing. However innocently it was written so many years ago, it reflects a kind of “predatory” thinking.
In recent years I have had to face the fact that violence against women is not just something we read about in the newspaper. I have heard dozens of stories from women who were abused as children, molested as students, raped on dates, harassed at work, seduced by doctors or pastors or counselors, or discounted, devalued, cheated, threatened, shelved, ignored, objectified, intimidated, or otherwise exploited by men simply because they were female.
The pain in the lives of these women, the familiarity of their stories, the similarity of their experiences—together with definite openings by God's Spirit—have made me face the facts. It's true—we men are not safe. On more than one occasion I have cried to God, “Where are the safe males in this world? Where are the men to whom women can relate in absolute safety? Where are the men who don't in their thoughts, body language, preferences, or humor, objectify and degrade women?”
Being a safe male
God's response to these pleas has been to call me personally to be a “safe male.” For me this is a very serious thing. Of course, like most men I would have considered myself a safe male already. I said to myself, “I'm safe. After all, I would never rape or seduce anyone; I don't flirt or make suggestive remarks; I do my best to see that my female acquaintances receive the same respect and courtesy as my male acquaintances.” But as God spoke to me and I examined my own life, I realized I had some changes to make—painful and embarrassing changes.
Well, what is a safe male? Let me share what I have learned so far and perhaps you can take it from there.
First, a safe male is one who assigns worth to a woman on the basis of absolute value rather than relative value. A woman's absolute value centers around being a child of God, loved unconditionally by God, and given absolute value as a human being. A woman's relative value centers around attributes such as body shape, color of hair, talents, traits, interests, personality. A safe male assigns worth on the basis of absolute value.
A safe male is one who keeps his ego in check. He does not try to rescue women nor control women. He receives advice, counsel, instruction, even defeat from a woman as easily as from a man.
A safe male is one who takes responsibility for his own sexual response. For some men arousal is license. Women are blamed if they dress, speak, walk, glance, or behave in any way that arouses sexual interest. That is as logical as blaming a rich man for getting mugged because he was wearing expensive clothes.
A safe male is one who listens to women. Really listens. He strains to understand, to empathize, to identify with, and to understand a woman's perspective as she speaks.
A safe male works to separate emotional intimacy from sexual intimacy. Our culture intimates that emotional intimacy and shared love must find sexual expression to be fulfilled. It is the most destructive of lies. The truth is that we were made with the capacity to love many people. That love is best celebrated in deep friendship and loyalty without sexual expression. Scripture couches sexual expression in terms of permanent, monogamous commitment rather than romantic love.
A safe male is one who has already made up his mind about his sexual ethics. I am often surprised to find men unable to answer the question, “Will you ever commit adultery?” with a firm “No!” Often the best they can do is, “I hope not,” or “not unless...,” or “I don't think so.” Many men hold a romanticized view of sexual intimacy and do not realize the deep pain, destruction, and permanent damage adultery causes. It is never loving, never healing, never noble, never really flattering, never clean, never appropriate...never. It is always destructive, always degrading, always selfish...always. A safe male knows that an adulterous relationship would be an unthinkable affront to respect for women and love of God.
A safe male refuses to stereotype women in terms of their needs and responses. A safe male does not think in terms of “what women like” or “what women want.” Instead, a safe male realizes that each woman brings her own experiences and perceptions into a relationship and that what seems safe and good for one woman may be uncomfortable or threatening to another.
A safe male is one who works to encourage safe and appropriate boundaries for women who for some reason have difficulty setting their own boundaries. I am thinking particularly of women survivors of sexual abuse. Many survivors have been conditioned to believe that all love is sexual and that their only value is as sexual beings. Often touch or hugs are frightening or confusing to survivors who are still trying to develop comfortable and appropriate boundaries. Men can be a positive force in their healing by providing safe and consistent friendships to these women and by affirming their worth as individuals in ways that clearly have no sexual implications.
More “safe male” characteristics
If you are still asking, “Am I a safe male?” let me be a little more concrete. A man who pressures a woman to behave in a way that makes her uncomfortable in order to feel loved or appreciated is not a safe male. A man who encourages a woman to move to a new level of intimacy based on a false assumption about his commitment to her is not a safe male. A man who compares, or discusses, or addresses a woman in such a way that suggests her value is primarily in her beauty, or sexual availability, is not a safe male. A man who entertains sexual fantasies about his female friends or colleagues is not a safe male.
A husband who requires his wife to move beyond her level of comfort to keep or gain his love is not a safe male. A husband who intimates that his love for his wife rests on her attractiveness or performance is not a safe male. A husband who publicly ridicules (even in joking) his wife or her appearance or her sexual behavior is not a safe male.
For Christian men, being a safe male goes much deeper than just avoiding the negative behavior in the examples above. Christian men have an opportunity to witness to the wisdom and love of God by demonstrating that the issue is not a legal one but a spiritual one. It is not a matter of rights for women but a matter of love for women.
On being a safe woman
I acknowledge that men are not responsible for all the problems in male/female relationships. Women have discussed with me their thoughts about what it means to be a safe woman. A friend developed the following nine commitments as she learned the steps she needed to take to become a safe woman.
1. I will be straightforward about what makes me fearful or anxious or uncomfortable—or about what makes me feel safe, secure, and comfortable. A safe woman gives herself permission to say, “That makes me uncomfortable. Is that how you want me to feel?” or “I would feel safer if you wouldn't discuss with me this problem you are having in your marriage.”
2. I will behave in the ways I think are appropriate rather than allowing another person to control my behavior. A safe woman sets clear boundaries for her behavior and doesn't let fear of rejection cause her to violate her boundaries.
3. I will not assume responsibility for another person's feelings or behavior. A safe woman recognizes that another person's response to her or feelings toward her are not her responsibility.
4. I will choose the less erotically charged option when I have choices of behavior. A safe woman attempts to choose behavior that is the least erotically charged, especially when around men whose boundaries seem weak or nonexistent.
5. I will be specific in affirming men. I will be affirming without hinting to a man that he is somehow extra-special to me. A safe woman makes sure her affirmations are free of double meanings.
6. I will ask men to be specific and clarify vague compliments or affirmations of me. A safe woman asks clarifying questions when compliments and/or affirmations are vague or open to double meanings. “You feel drawn to me? In what way? What exactly does that mean?”
7. I will not encourage a man to single me out as extra-special, nor will I behave toward him as though our relationship were extra-special. A safe woman avoids false messages of intimacy by clearly defining the nature of her relationships.
8. I will not try to tie another person to me by dependency or sexuality.
9. I will not determine my value based on another person's response to me.
Following Christ's lead
These nine commitments help me understand how I, as a man, can encourage and reinforce women's efforts toward safe behavior. In Jesus I see an example of purity and integrity in relationships with women. Women felt free to approach Jesus totally, without fear or intimidation. Their best interests were always his top priority. Christ not only refused to treat women as inferiors, he sought to empower them and encourage them in positive, tangible ways.
Following Christ's lead, Christian men need to believe in women and in God's desire to work in and through women. Christian men need to be at the forefront in the battle against pornography, sexual harassment, and other societal evils that literally destroy women's emotional, physical, and spiritual lives.
I long to see the church provide the guiding vision for safe men in our culture! I want men to conduct their lives in a way that makes it easier for women to feel safe and live safe. Christ calls men to follow in his footsteps regarding our actions and attitudes toward women. I invite other men to lift this area of their lives into the light of Christ and allow God to direct them. Only then can we fully reach our potential as men, and only then can our daughters grow up in a community that is truly safe.
(Significant portions of this article were previously published in the May / June 1992 issue of Evangelical Friend and the September / October 1993 issue of Discipleship Journal.)
